hmmm, sex...

[clairev]

This month’s question is really tough. I was raised Church of Christ, and they had a simple answer: It’s OK to have sex with your spouse once you’re married. I respect people who choose to live by that interpretation, but I think that as a rule to apply to all of society it probably made more sense when people married much younger and started having babies so they’d have little hands to help in the shop or on the farm or something. And, of course, contraceptives have completely changed the sexual landscape. This whole area of sexuality and reproduction is one of those spaces in human life in which our technology has far outpaced our ability to find appropriate new social mores.
In Buddhism, the basic regulations are pretty clear, and they’re twofold: For celibate monastics, just don’t have sex…ever. And for laypeople, sexual activity should be restricted to consensual adults who aren’t in committed relationships with someone else. The underlying principle is that you don’t want to hurt anyone else—or yourself—with your actions of body, speech, or mind. (Of course, I’ve also read a complete list of things you shouldn’t do and ways you shouldn’t do them, like no sex during the day or in the presence of sacred objects, but that was in a 14th-century Tibetan text. The underlying principle is still pretty simple.)
This issue is one that I’m really trying to figure out in my own life right now. I’ve been single for a while now, and it’s given me time to reflect on relationships and sex and the tremendous power sexuality has in our society. For me, the issue of sex is invariably linked with the issue of being in a relationship with someone, which brings with it a whole host of other issues, like should I date a guy if I wouldn’t be interested in a serious relationship with him? How long should you be with someone before sex enters the picture? If I’m not really sure what I want right now, should I even date anyone? Is it even possible to go out a few times and get to know someone without their assuming you’re dating? What if I find the right guy? Would I be open to marriage?
Sexual energy plays such a huge role in human life that it seems like a shame not to work with it in one’s life, and yet sharing my life with someone else is a huge commitment of time and energy. At the moment, all my energetic juice is going toward school work and the things I have to get done, and dating a man would really rearrange my schedule. But that seems like such a trivial reason to forgo one of the basic experiences of life as a human.
I guess this month I don’t have much to say about the topic, just a string of questions that have been in my mind, but I hope that by sharing this not-sure-ness it’ll spark some reflections for someone or at least honestly mirror the complexity of the question, “When is it appropriate to have sex?”

[Pat Hastings]

This whole area of sexuality and reproduction is one of those spaces in human life in which our technology has far outpaced our ability to find appropriate new social mores.

What technological developments are you speaking of? It's true there are some difficult gray areas in new areas like invitro fertilization, stem cell research, etc. But when it comes to us choosing whether or not to have sex, it seems like the factors haven't really changed at least in the last 40 years (should we wait until marriage? what about birth control? what about abortion? what kind of commitment is expected? etc)